Here's another pet hate - people's refusal to believe that what I truly want for Christmas either costs less than $20 or just cannot be bought. They ask you what you want, you tell them nothing and they act like you're deliberately lying because you're a sadist bent on making their life miserable by forcing them to spend hours agonising and trekking through malls Mariahed in bad music while they find that perfect gift that's going to delight you. And here's the thing. Nothing they find will delight you and here's why;
1.) Ideally what you want to buy is either something I need or something I want. I'm not wealthy but I can afford to buy what I need when I need it. Truly. There's almost nothing I really need that I don't already have or won't just buy for myself the instant I need it. With a few notable exceptions that we'll get to shortly. Everything else is stuff I want and stuff I want is seriously limited. I'm not really a stuff person.
2.) I have spent this past year having a stuff tantrum on an almost monthly basis. I've sent a household worth of stuff to charity and the tip. I'm still trying to turf stuff so if you buy me something and it's not something I specifically asked for, chances are it will fall into the "stuff" category and all you're really doing is undermining all my good work. Here's what's going to happen to your gift. For six months I'll have it out and about and try to use it - primarily out of guilt but also in case you come over and look for evidence that it's in use. For the next six months it will sit at the back of a cupboard where I will avoid its accusing stare every time I need to get the basic item at the front that I use all the time and have owned for about fifteen years. After that I will have a stuff tantrum and it will migrate to a crate in my garage where it will sit in stuff purgatory until I can then re-gift it or I have another tantrum and take it, along with a bunch of other stuff, off to a charity or a tip. If you ever ask me where it is I will lie and either say it broke or that it disappeared after my 73-year-old father came to stay but we didn't say anything because he's getting old and old people are a bit like that*.
3.) People never believe me when I tell them what I actually want. You want to delight me? Buy me what I actually asked for. Yes, even though it's cheap and nasty. Yes, even though it's impersonal. It's what I actually want it just happens to cost less than $20. Sometimes that happens. It's a Christmas miracle! My perfect gift literally only costs $3.
So - the things I actually want this Christmas, both tangible and intangible, for those that are genuinely interested**.
1.) New oven mitts. I worked out the other day that mine are 12 years old. They're threadbare where it counts, I burn my hands almost every time I use them and I always forget to buy a new pair when I'm out at the mall. $3 from Kmart or something but I will use those suckers and be grateful I don't have to run my fingers under cold water for ten minutes afterwards for a long, long time to come.
2.) A new plug for my sink. Just like the oven mitts. I forget this every time I go shopping. I have to balance a pewter tankard filled with water on the plug while I do the dishes so the water doesn't drain away. Yes I do my own dishes. No I don't have a dishwasher. No I don't want a dishwasher. Okay. Buy me a dishwasher. Secondhand or reconditioned or something. If you must. Seriously, just a new plug would be awesome.
3.) Vouchers. The Salvos (do they even do that?) and Bunnings. I am always renovating and gardening. I'm still losing weight and I frequently run out of stuff that fits. Don't even get me started on the fact that the only clothes the shops are selling at the moment come in neon; just buy me a Salvos gift voucher so the next time I find myself looking like a denim sharpei I can do something about it without looking like Stabilo Boss Hi-lighter Barbie.
4.) A fishing rod bag. No I don't enjoy torturing fish for fun***, that's not what it's for. I need a bag to carry my bongsul (fighting staff) in and apparently rod bags that are about two metres long are ideal. My staff is 1.8m long. Get me something a little bit longer than that. If you must, whack a pretty keyring on the zip so I can tell which one is mine. They're about $10 from a fishing store. If you're feeling especially generous some sort of hockey stick or baseball bat bag arrangement for my sword would be full of win too. Although I haven't measured it yet...
5.) Tell me something that will keep me going. This year has been awful. My self esteem is crap and my ability to navigate the bad times is low at the moment. I keep scraps of paper with good things people have said about me around so in those bad times I can remember that I am worth something to someone somewhere. It doesn't have to be epic. It doesn't have to be a letter or even a paragraph. It can be just one sentence. Write it out nicely on a piece of paper or in a card or something and I guarantee it will mean more than anything you could ever buy me.
6.) Take me to lunch. There are days where my anxiety is high and I need to get out of the office before I suffocate. I love going and sitting in the sun for a cheap and cheerful lunch with a good friend so pony up a voucher that's good for one lunch and make an awful day somewhere in the future a whole hell of a lot happier.
7.) Make me something. Every year I churn out handmade Christmas decorations and gifts from my kitchen and that's what people keep asking me for. Do you paint, sew, draw, write, cook? Make me something with your own hands and I guarantee it won't be labelled "stuff" and purgatory will never see it.
Some of the gifts coming out of my kitchen this year...
The point is that most of the people I know have just about everything they need and can access most of the things they want on their own and I'm no different. But, as my sister-in-law pointed out a year or two ago, we're all pretty busy people and what we really lack is quality time with each other. It sounds trite but really and truly, everything I want for Christmas doesn't even have a price tag. So please...enough with the stuff.
* Hey Dad! How you doing? This is a lie BTW *cough cough* For the sake of humour. *cough cough* I would never actually say this about you to anyone. *cough cough COUGH*
** Do not under any circumstances buy me any of this stuff. Because I know that I will get twenty of each of these things now. This is just my annual Christmas rant designed to make a point about why you shouldn't try to buy me the latest teapot/four-in-one power tool/New York Times bestseller.
*** Participating in the noble/historic/meditative/timeless...blah, blah, blah I don't really like fishing so sue me, okay?
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