That's Charlotte aged 13 weeks old sucking her newly discovered thumb. I know there's a wealth of advice out there for parents regarding comforters for babies. Dummy vs Thumb vs Let 'em cry. But thumb sucking came naturally to our daughter and she was a pretty calm, relaxed little thing who slept well so we figured, why rock the boat? She's made the decision for us. Charles and I are also the sort of parents who just wing it without too much agonising or philosophizing. We figured it served a purpose and she'd give it up when she was good and ready. As long as that was before her adult teeth came in, who cares?
Unfortunately life doesn't always go the way you think it will. Our daughter who self-weaned, toilet trained in essentially one day and who has always sort of grown organically into the next stage without much prompting never did abandon that thumb. In fact over time it went from something she did when she was stressed or tired to something she'd do 24/7 without a second thought. As she turned five, with no end in sight, Charles and I were forced to accept that parental will, control and discipline might have to intervene. Yikes.
Autocratic parenting does not sit well on me. I believe that with enough information and support kids will choose the right path if they're given the opportunity. Trying to tell them what to do without sense or reason to back you up and not giving them choices just fosters rebellion. I also knew that since thumb sucking is her stress relief, it would be criminal to stress her out by forcing her to give it up and punishing her if she failed. Talk about sowing the seeds therapy will have to reap.
So one day I told her I wanted to show her something and we sat down together and looked at photos on Google of adult teeth corrupted by thumb sucking. I explained that she would eventually have to give the thumb up and that if she didn't do it before her adult teeth came in then they would grow into a strange shape and she would need braces to fix them when she was older. I explained that I couldn't make her give up her thumb because then she would just sneak it when I wasn't looking. I told her that I wanted her to consider giving up her thumb and decide when she would like to give it up. I promised her that if she made that choice I would do everything in my power to help her. And I left it at that.
A week later she told me it was time and we went looking for a solution. We talked through some of the options and in the end she asked me to buy her a Thumb Busters glove in pink*.
When it arrived she was very excited. I explained that for two weeks she would wear it in the daytime only (we wanted to ease her into it as much as possible). After that we would introduce it at night too. For every day that she didn't suck her thumb I would give her a small gift and $1. When she had $50 we would take her down to Opa's and she could go to the Magic Shop (The Trading Post in Mogo) and buy whatever she wanted with her money. She was very excited.
Unfortunately I did not comprehend the depth of her obsession or her reaction to giving up her thumb. It was worse than the 24 hours my Dad had to do without smokes when he got his dentures. It was worse than Charles with low blood sugar (although not by much). By sundown I was ready to rip her head off and both Charles and I were pleading with her to take it off early and just suck the damn thing. She was in tears with the stress of it and because she had broken down twice and snuck the glove off for a quick suck she was heart-breakingly angry at herself. She was so disappointed in herself that she refused the dollar and the present because she hadn't earned them. Nothing we could say or do made it better - she was totally convinced that she had failed herself.
The next three days were harrowing. I thought I'd made a huge mistake and constantly questioned myself but Charlotte remained absolutely determined. After those three days she improved slightly. A week later and she spontaneously stopped wearing it during the day altogether, announcing that she didn't suck her thumb during the day anymore. There wasn't a single relapse. Two weeks to the day after the glove first went on we started putting it on at night. That first night it was eleven before she fell asleep and then it was from pure exhaustion. Again a week later she just stopped wearing it and she never once relapsed.
The advantage of this approach is that she chose the timing and she was determined to do it - we didn't have to force her. She told me at one stage that giving up her thumb had convinced her that she could do anything in the world she wants because nothing will ever be as hard as giving up the thumb. I was fit to burst that she made that connection and I'm thrilled that it made her feel so powerful.
The downside is that she's been like a chocolate-deprived PMSing teenager for a month. Her thumb has been her method for coping with stress since she was 13 weeks old. It's a hard habit to break. She's been bursting into tears and storming off three minutes after we've managed to calm her down from the last hissy fit. She's been slamming doors. Leaving me notes telling me I'm the worst mother in the world and accusing me of favouring her baby brother. I despaired that she would ever go back to being the sunny little angel we've always been blessed with.
And then, two days ago and nearly five weeks after we first started this whole saga, it was like a switch got flicked. She's back. Spontaneous cuddles. Notes telling me I'm wonderful. Foot massages. Cleaning her room and her brother's room too. I wept in the shower the first night she wanted me to read her to sleep instead of Daddy. And then tonight there was this;
It was stuck to our bedroom door and it says "Please accept what I have done for you". Opening the bedroom door revealed our bed has been made and she has stacked up all of my books for me on my bedside table.
* Please note this is not my photo - it belongs to the person I bought the glove off. You can find their store on Ebay here.
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