The SEAcret to avoiding SEAcret salespeople

One of the things that annoys me most in this world are salesmen. I know. Someone has to do it, you're just trying to make a living...whatever. Obviously a necessary evil in life. But what I want to blog about today is the bottom rung of the salesman ladder. The lowest common denominator on the sliding scale. The leeches that park themselves in the middle of the walkway at my local Westfield mall, trying to suck in anyone that walks past. Let me be clear - I have no problem with them being there. I'm sure it's an excellent spot to have a stall. No doubt they make money. What I object to is them approaching me and trying to sell me something.

It's a mall. If I want to buy your product then I'll come to you. Once, I was asked by a saleslady as I passed her stall if I was interested in 3D television. "Not at all," I shot back as I kept walking. And no sooner were those words out of my mouth than her two male colleagues started homing in on me. Before they could even speak, I held up my hand to them both.

"Hey, you heard me say no to her. Why on earth would you think I'll say yes to you? Now if you know I'm not interested and you persist in trying to get me to talk with you, you're crossing over in to harassment and I'll have to report it to Westfield."

They both immediately backed off but it didn't stop them from trying again as I came back the other way.

"Can I have just two minutes of your time?"

Hell no.

The worst offenders are the people from SEAcret. You probably know them. They're flogging a line of beauty products. And there's always at least two of them trying to fling leaflets at me or get me to "indulge in a free sample." No amount of icy cool dismissal or fiery anger has managed to deter this mob. And then recently I changed tack and uncovered the SEAcret of getting them to leave me alone. Here's how.

Today's victim is a SEAcret representative with a foreign accent. He's going to show me the full range and he's going to use my hand to do it. He never shuts up the whole time. This product is the jewel of the Mediterranean. This product is the hidden diamond of the Mediterranean. This product is the silver lining of the Mediterranean. And all the time he's massaging this and that into the back of my hand and using a spray bottle of water to wipe it off again. There's lots of eye contact, flirty smiles, etc and all the time he's holding me at the wrist with one hand and rubbing whatever lovingly onto my hand with the other.

And I'm smiling and egging him on. Ooo, yes that's lovely. I adore that one. I can't believe how good my skin feels.

It's hard not to laugh. I can see the dollar signs spinning in his head. I can almost hear his thoughts. Oh my God! She's into it! She's going to buy the whole range!!!

He's been yapping away for a good twenty minutes and now here we are at the crunch. He's about to unveil "the closer" speech. And I'm not disappointed. He's going to give me a special price on the whole range because I'm so nice and he's only here for one day. It's such a good price that we have to keep our voices down and complete the transaction before his manager notices. He never does this for anyone - but I'm just so nice and he knows how much I love the product. He wants me to have it. He pauses here to glance meaningfully at my purse. I'm sure he'd die a deliriously happy death if I simply handed over my credit card at this point. When no plastic is forthcoming he leans in conspiratorially and tells me that he can give me all the secret treasures of the Mediterranean for...and here he names a figure roughly the same as what it costs to feed my entire family for a week. For the cost of our fortnightly petrol bill he'll upgrade it to include their special hand care range. But I have to be quick! The manager must not know!

He's been holding my wrist this whole time and here I turn my hand and start massaging the back of his with my thumb. I giggle coquettishly. He's momentarily thrown but the possibility of a sale keeps the facial tic mostly under control. Oh darling, I whisper, I really can't afford any of this. I have a family and we're only on one income! I can barely afford a $3 tube of sorbolene cream for my face!

His face is blank as he tries to process it. It's like watching my Dad's face when the carefully herded Murray Greys did a neat little turn at the gate and galloped past us. It is John Howard last election night. It is stunned disbelief. Total lack of comprehension.

I lean in closely and continue, Well I really must thank you. I've really...enjoyed...this. It's been so pleasurable to have a young, handsome man massage my hand, look deeply into my eyes and talk to me like that. I feel like we're friends and it's been...quite exciting. Next time I won't be so quick to walk on past you guys. I might even come back for another sample...maybe we could try it on my face? Anyway, thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

It's been two weeks and all three of them are still avoiding me like the plague. Success!