Bin night!

Bin night at the Bateson's is always exciting. I'm one of those haphazard cleaners who shoves a plastic bag over a door handle or the end of a change table while I'm cleaning, moving it with me from room to room. Usually it makes it to the bin when I'm done, but not always. Then there's the laundry. Lint from the dryer, pocket crap that's been turned into a totally anonymous sodden grey ball during a wash cycle, it's all here waiting to be collected. So bin night consists of us sweeping the house for all of these little collections and tossing them into the bin. Then, if we have any bin space left, comes the optional extra phase of bin night.

Sometimes it's a mad scooping of all the little random bits lying about the house - Charlotte's scribbles on bits of paper, junk mail, tags from any new clothing, wrappers from the top of baby jars, any scrap of refuse floating around collected and disposed of. If we're super keen (i.e. the situation has become desperate) we clean the fridge. Those of you with a careful inventory system where you buy what you need, eat it, roster leftover lunches, etc so that you never have to clean your fridge because everything is waiting in the wings for its debut into a carefully planned meal can move along now. There is no point in reading this blog post, you will only be disgusted.

So you've probably guessed that we're one of those families who aren't as careful with their fridge management. We're not as bad as some. A certain relative, who will remain nameless, is guilty of heinous fridge management crimes. Once, when she went away for a week, my brother and I cleaned her fridge. It was 1997. We found an unopened jar of sandwich relish with a useby date of 1984. No bar code, just a price sticker from a shop long since closed. I am pleased to report that I'm not that bad.

However, I do still need to clean mine out about once a month or so and, as I cleaned it out tonight, I thought of those of you who sympathise with my domestic efforts and, for your pleasure, I have constructed the TC Guide to fridge cleaning. Here we go;

1.) If you don't remember buying it, toss it. "When did we buy green bacon?" or, "Hey did you know that we had a jar of Ducth anchovies?" are not questions that need answering. Just toss it.

2.) If you can't immediately identify it, toss it. "Honey, can you tell what this is?" is, again, not a question that needs to be asked or answered. I cleaned out a fridge at work once and we had a spirited debate about what the original contents of one particular Tupperware container had been. No one would own up to owning it so it was anyone's guess and we tossed it before the mystery was solved.

3.) How neatly this follows on from the previous point! Accept that some containers, even expensive Tupperware, should not be saved. If you are experiencing the above situation do not be tempted to open the container for the purposes of identifying its contents or rescuing its person. It's gone to God. Let it go and move as quickly as you can through the five stages of grief.

4.) The only products that should contain mould are blue cheese and soft cheeses like Brie and Camembert. I know. Somewhere an Ethiopian child is starving*. And yes, there have been wars, depression, poverty and deprivation. But unless you are experiencing any of those issues right at this moment, toss the mould. Do not simply cut off the bad part and eat the rest. Yuck.

5.) Milk needs to exit the end of the carton or bottle within half a second of tipping said container up. It should not take its time oozing out and it shouldn't resemble cottage cheese when it gets there. While we're on this subject, a brief lesson regarding dairy. Contrary to the belief of many uni students, dairy does not simply graduate to a new incarnation as it gets older. Milk does not become cottage cheese, cottage cheese will not solidify into a bitey little fetta. Any resemblance to another dairy product means it is BAD. Toss it.

6.) The final fridge test. If you wouldn't put it in your own mouth right at this moment, toss it. It's not going to look better tomorrow, I promise.

Are we clear on this kiddies? Excellent. Stay tuned for more practical domestic advice!!

* Before anyone gets upset over my reference to starving Ethiopian children, let me be clear, I am not trying to be trite about the plight of starving children. I am merely referring to the parental reasoning I heard every single time I tried to abandon food as a child for any reason (gee, linked to weight issues at all?). I care very much about starving children, which is why my husband and I are long term financial supporters of Save the Children. But I don't believe that there should be any guilt attached to tossing spoiled food because somewhere in the world a starving person would happily eat it. Anyone that thinks otherwise can send me a prepaid satchel and I'll mail next week's fridge clean to their malnourished country of choice.