1.) The big one. Accept that it's happened to you. I know. You never get sad. You're very social. You are the one people go to for help. So why is it that for the last two weeks you've been hiding under the covers, sobbing because your sheets have faded more than your pillowcases and they no longer match? Why are you ignoring the phone and only answering the door when the cops come around because people at work are concerned that you don't show up anymore and sorry Sir/Ma'am just checking that you're...um...okay? You've got the big D my friend and hiding won't save you. You're also not going to just pull yourself together in the next 24 hours with the assistance of a triple shot of espresso. Time to accept it.
2.) Decide to survive. Those who haven't had depression are thinking "duh". Those that have are thinking "huh, easier said than done." Here's the reality - suicide is as low as it gets on the depression curve and it's a very real threat. Make a conscious decision early on that you are going to survive and go on to be a person who goes outside the house, maybe even to a place where you're gainfully employed and where you will spend a whole day not caring whether your bedding matches, what other people think about you or whether you're going to die alone.
There have been many, many moments in the last six months where I have thought to myself that I do not want to be like this for the rest of my life and that I would rather die here and now than feel like this forever. The only reason I didn't? Because I decided right at the start when it all started sliding downhill that that wasn't ever going to be an option for me. And neither was staying in bed. So first decide to live and then decide to get better. And then do something about it.
3.) Do something about it. I know. You're consumed by waves of apathy. It's overwhelming. But you've got to start somewhere. Get help. For some, this will take the form of lovely little pills that will make ramming your car at high speed into solid concrete seem like a somewhat less attractive option. It worked for me over ten years ago. It didn't work this time. A week into taking very low doses of the same drug I realised I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and *ahem* couldn't do other fun stuff I really, really enjoy. The pills had to go. Instead I elected for the physical challenge - exercising my body into the ground so I could sleep at night and getting a counselor to deal with the mental stuff cluttering up my day. Whatever you do, don't ignore it, it's not going away.
Ooo, while I think of it, some other things to remember on this interesting little journey. Insider tips, if you will;
1.) Your subconscious is a nasty little psychopath, knows all your secrets and is not on your side. I read this theory when I was studying psychology about how a person's mind will store traumatic information about things they fear and/or have experienced, keeping it out of their immediate awareness until they are mentally equipped to deal with it. Then, when they're strong enough and at a place in their life where they can deal with it, their mind will unlock the information in the form of memories and dreams, allowing the person to come to terms with their issues. It's a lovely little theory and total BS.
If you have depression your giggling psychopathic subconscious is going to line up all yours fears, everything you're afraid of - even the stuff you thought was long-buried or stuff that you didn't even know existed and then it's going to use them like paint on a canvas to carefully illustrate your own personal Lovecraftian horror in live, technicolour-action. This is no impressionist effort - we're going full on renaissance realism where the detail and symbolism will take your breath away. Congratulations, you now have anxiety issues too. Cheer up, there will come a day when you remember that you really don't care what anyone thinks of you and the chances of being bent naked over the podium of your former high school's hall in front of everyone you've ever known and smacked by *insert name of individual*
2.) Cut yourself some slack. I never actually got post-natal depression but watching some of the mothers that did I couldn't help but wonder whether it was related to the sudden change of gears without the benefit of a clutch. One day you're running a magazine, jet-setting all over the world to meet new and interesting people in a range of fabulous outfits - hair and makeup done to perfection. The next you forgot to get out of your pyjamas because you're so damn tired, even though they're covered in what you hope is mashed pumpkin...but you forget. Because you're so damn tired. The definition of success in the first four months of both my children's lives was this - we're all still alive at the end of the day and I had time to shower and change my clothes. Anything after that qualified me for sainthood in my opinion.
Depression sucks all your energy away. Unrealistic goals and expectations won't do anything but make it worse. So dial the benchmark for success down to something that's achievable and don't be afraid to negotiate with yourself. On my worst days I could not find the energy to make my daughter's school lunch - but I made deals with myself that her lunch order would be healthy and that I would find the energy to make her a healthy dinner.
3.) You really aren't a bad person. No, really. I've spent a long time working to become the person I am. I've faced the things I don't like about myself and made an effort to change them. Generally this means I'm pretty confident and happy with who I am. It also means I tend not to give a flying flibbertygibbet whether other people like me or not. Depression giggled a lot at that and then screwed up my confidence and tossed it to the psychopathic subconscious for a blistering round of emotional hackey sack. In the end I was so paranoid about what other people thought of me, particularly those I really love, that I seriously considered severing ties with everyone, moving to a foreign country on my own and living as a hermit. What the hell is up with that??? Here's the deal - unless you actually have the remains of people you offed buried somewhere, chances are that you're not that bad. Yes, really.
4.) Set yourself up to succeed. Aside from cutting yourself some slack and getting help, surround yourself with people who are of benefit. If my counselor had been the sort to hold my hand, say "there, there" and sympathise with my plight, I would have strangled him with his own leather thong necklace quicker than you can say "here's the tissues, dear". It's not the sort of thing I need to hear** because that sort of approach simply doesn't help me. Mostly throughout this journey I needed to not be around people. The people I did choose to be around were around because they knew what to say and when to say it. It's hard to pick those people until you're in the mess of it. Ironically the people I loved being close to the most were almost as broken as me because then we could make truly sick jokes about our misery and just giggle. Sane, happy people tend to just look at you in horror when you do that.
5.) The hardest thing of all - be selfish. I've been at the end of the list for so long I forgot what it was like to be a priority in my own life. But you can't save anyone from drowning if you don't know how to swim yourself. I realised pretty early on that I had to recharge my batteries before I could resume the roles and obligations I'd happily been filling for so long. It hurt to say no to things I would have said yes to once. It hurt to tell people I just couldn't be there or I wasn't able to do that. It hurt to decide that going to taekwondo two nights a week was more important than putting my kids to bed myself. It's bad enough burdening those around you with your misery - it's worse to impose on them to do your work while you go and sort yourself out. Even if you've happily shouldered their burdens for them when they were down and out. Rather than think of it as selfishness, think of it as investing in your recovery so you can be there for the people you love a little further down the track.
As I said at the start, I am by no means better. But the anxiety and misery last for shorter times and the periods in between are longer and longer. I find myself in the quiet moments being content or happy for no reason instead of despairing. I've become better at looking after myself and doing the things I need to do to stay healthy and happy. Every day my guilt over that gets less although it's definitely still there. I still don't know who I'll be at the end or what I'll be doing with my life. I feel like I'm on the cusp of major changes but I don't know what they are yet. And I'm okay with that too. Should you ever find your feet on this path, be kind to yourself people. You are loved and needed here on earth, even if you feel broken now. And if you hang on for long enough I promise there will come a time when you feel whole again.
* Whether you were really into it or just trying it on for size because you really, really, really liked this guy and he didn't seem like a weirdo until right now when he asked you to do this.
** And it's okay if you're the sort that does. Although if you are, who are you and what on earth are you reading my blog for???
I friggin love you Missy!
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