What are you so angry about?

Today as I was driving home I hit a bit of a traffic snarl. I continued in my lane at the same pace as everyone else and then we had to merge and form one lane together. I thought I'd just driven quite normally but somehow a lady in the other lane took offence at the fact that I'd managed to get ahead of her and continued to try and pass me even after the lanes had come together, snarling at me in the mirror and revving her engine aggressively.

Given that we were practically at a stand-still I couldn't really understand why she would care. It's not like she could zoom off as soon as she was past me...she'd still be crawling along...albeit one car further forward. The whole thing wasn't really that important to me though so I hit the brakes, turned to look her in the eye with my totally confused look and gestured that she should pass me. The look I was trying to convey was, "Either you don't know how to merge or this is loads more important to you than it is to me, so go right ahead before you have an aneurysm." And as soon as I did that she lost all trace of her aggression and inched past me, blushing furiously and refusing to make further eye contact.

Before I met Charles, when I was in a pretty unfulfilling relationship that made me miserable, I was an angry driver too. And my anger spilled over into other areas of my life - not just the driving. Even after that relationship died and I'd met Charles my anger and frustration continued well past the time when it should have vanished. I clearly remember the day I stopped being a self-obsessed, angry little cow and decided to leave the rage behind.

My anger had boiled over (again) and poor Charles was wearing it (again) and I remember him looking at me in total bewilderment and pain and saying, "Why are you so angry? Just tell me what I've done to make you so angry and I'll fix it."

He may as well have slapped me across the face. My anger had nothing to do with him and everything to do with how disappointing my previous relationship had been and how much I resented the person I'd become as a result. But until that moment I'd never realised how much useless anger I had inside and how destructive it was to the new life I was trying to build. In that moment I saw that one day this wonderful man, who seemed to be everything I'd always wanted in a partner, would wake up and realise that my anger had nothing to do with him and he would walk away from me. I would lose my chance at a good relationship with a good man because I was unable to let go of my rage.

It sounds really easy, doesn't it? Realise what you're doing wrong and just stop doing it. But it wasn't an overnight fix. First of all, I'm not a person who can drop things easily. Secondly, since my rage was tied quite strongly to the fact that I'd become someone I didn't like, living a life I hated, I had to work to be a person I liked with a life I enjoyed. It took a lot of hard work and a long time to let it all go. There were a lot of things to work on and a lot of things to fix. The obvious outcome is that I didn't lose Charles. We married, had two beautiful children and we're still together now.*

That would be reward enough, but there have been unexpected benefits to letting go of the rage. I find myself smiling at strangers, singing more often. I don't take things so personally any more and these days I'm a lot better at recognising when other people's negativity is a result of something internal rather than something I said or did. I have more energy to be there for other people and I definitely like the fact that I don't lose my temper at my kids. Life, on the whole, is a much sunnier place and most days I am quite generally and amazingly happy.

As for my aggressive friend in traffic today, one look at her told me everything I needed to know. She needed that "win" because she isn't winning in other areas of her life. It was written all over her haggard face, tired old car and in the faces of her terrified children in the backseat. And when I gave her the "win" she was looking for, it was not the rewarding triumph she'd anticipated because the truth is that her anger was never about me and the fact that I merged in front of her.

Next time you find your internal gasket heating up to the boiling point over something petty ask yourself what you're really angry about. Is life going the way you want it to? Is this really worth getting steamed about? What are you so angry about? And if you come across an aggressive driver who clearly needs to "win", let them have it. Chances are their life is miserable and you've already "won" in the grand scheme of things.

* While I haven't quite left my temper behind, I have toned it down dramatically. Charles calls me his "flash-in-the-pan-Kitty" because I am furiously angry for two minutes and then I can't be bothered being mad anymore. He wears his very patient "fisherman in the eye of the squall" look while that two minutes ticks past and only then will he attempt to talk sense to me.