All's fair in love and war

Everyone's heard the saying "All's fair in love and war". Kind of makes you feel like the two are closely related. It's unfortunate that a lot of break-ups we see are acrimonious nasty things where everything from kids to pets, friends and furniture are split along with the relationship. And in a lot of cases things aren't just split, they're gnawed and frayed to pieces.

Charles and I both had horrible separations before we met each other. Fresh off dysfunctional relationships our initial courtship had more to do with negotiating the type of relationships we wanted and less to do with pretending the other person was the fairytale soul mate we'd been waiting for our whole lives. Even after the negotiations had ended we weren't exactly naive. We both knew that even with all the love in the world and all the bottom lines and all the conditions there weren't going to be any guarantees. So we even talked about how we'd end the relationship if that time ever came.

I was dubious about this. Emotions run high when relationships fail and it's easy to channel your hurt and rejection into verbal missiles and truly horrible behaviour. I wasn't sure I'd be able to stick to an agreed separation plan when the crunch came. I also thought it would have a lot to do with how we separate. Even with kids in the picture I would have found it very difficult to stay friends if there was cheating or re-mortgaging of the house and sending the funds to an offshore account. But I was absolutely sure that I would be the one who would struggle to be calm and rational in the event of marriage breakdown.

Then that time came. It's no secret that Charles and I separated for a brief time rather recently. Ironically the only part of the whole experience that I was happy with was how we dealt with it. We stuck to the agreed exit plan and while I was so miserable that it was hard to breathe, I managed to keep myself in check and limit my sorrow to sorrow, not rage. In the depths of it all I still felt confident that we would find a way to still be friends even if the worst came to pass.

What took me by surprise was how negatively some people reacted. It wasn't as though there was any anger or nastiness between us - things just weren't working and we weren't happy. But people were primed to take sides. Almost immediately the comments started about how we were handling it, what we were saying and how we were behaving. Some people were horrified and offended that I changed my Facebook status to show that I was separated. It wasn't as though I aired any of the specific reasons for our separation and I wasn't trying to upset or offend anyone or force people to take sides - I was merely trying to avoid the 1001 phone calls, the gossip and the rumours.

Despite the fact that it's now the 21st Century it was almost as though we were supposed to hide the fact that we were having problems for the sake of others. This attitude floored me. Surely divorce is no longer the shameful thing it once was? Do we really still feel that people should be left in isolation to manage their problems and their misery, gradually cluing people in to the dissolution of the family unit in a piecemeal fashion? How many times would you want someone to ask how your spouse is and have to say, "actually we're not together any more"? I knew that it would kill me by degrees to do that.

We're very lucky. In the past couple of months we've managed to put ourselves and our family back together. In the long run that separation probably saved us. Once we were separated we had nothing to lose. We were brutally honest and with our grievances aired and our issues resolved, things gradually got back on track and became stronger than before. I'm not even angry that Charles initiated it. I'm pleased that he recognised how things stood and acted to avoid things getting any worse. It gave us a fighting chance.

Unfortunately since then we've watched at least three other long term relationships in our circle of friends and family fall apart. One of these has been acrimonious, one was a separation like ours (i.e. they're now back together) and one looks like it's permanent but peaceful. All of them have had public statements similar to ours on Facebook and this is what got me thinking about this topic today.

As a society we expect people to get nasty when relationships sour. We act as though relationships are forever and when they fail we look for the villain. The reality is that people change, life changes, the world changes and sometimes we don't always change for the better or in the same way. Perhaps if we learned to be more open about our problems and nurtured our friends and family through the trouble spots there would be less "broken" homes and more blended families. I truly believe that sweeping things under the carpet is a recipe for uneven ground and uncertain footing on our journey through life.