Everything I hate about shopping...

Shopping is rarely something I enjoy. I do not get that "retail high" - I don't enjoy browsing and of all the things I hate right at the top of the list is shopping for clothes. Today I had to do a bunch of shopping. Shopping for food. Shopping for bridesmaids shoes. Shopping to update my work wardrobe for this Winter. It did not go well. In fact, this shopping trip managed to tick most of the "reasons I hate shopping" bingo card. In no particular order;

1.) Shopping centre car parks. Most people know it's illegal to talk on their mobiles while driving. Unfortunately everyone seems to think yakking on the phone while driving in a car park is perfectly legal. And when you see these morons going in the wrong direction, weaving, bouncing off other cars and generally not paying attention, it's suddenly abundantly clear that banning talking on the phone while driving was an incredibly smart move.

While we're on the subject of driving in car parks - I think we're all clear that car parks are two small to be operated as dual carriage ways with concrete dividers. Most of them are, sadly, one way affairs. Handily enough someone's gone to the trouble of painting the most enormous attention-getting arrows on the concrete to show you which direction you're meant to drive in. It is a total mystery why people ignore these and do their own thing. And don't get me started on car park pedestrians, trolley ditchers and car park stealers. See? We're not even in the mall yet and I could rant all day.

2.) Sheeple. A pet hate. I've mentioned them before. Unsure of their direction, oblivious to others, intent on bottlenecking the walkway. Please people, if you must stroll along at the ponderous pace of a freshly milked jersey cow heading back to the pasture, for the love of God move to the side and let the rest of us through.

3.) Fashion for fatties*. Not content with the appalling effect of turtlenecks on the curvy population, the fashion industry has gone one step further this winter and decided that knitted tops need a spare tire of fabric tacked onto the neckline. Worse, they're paring these monstrosities with skinny jeans. News flash ordinary members of the public - if you wear skinny jeans and you don't have skinny legs then you will look like a bowling pin. If you teem your new skinny jeans with one of these horrendous jumpers, you will look like a jabber-the-hut bowling pin.

4.) Weak-willed parents. Do not give your child a toy "just to hold" while you do the shopping. This is kiddy torture. You are building up their hopes. If they sued you for breach of promise, you would lose. Just say no as soon as they pick it up. Failing that, do not leave it until the cashier is waiting for you to pay for your other items to have the "Now we discussed this already..." conversation with your child. Unlike you I am buying everything in my trolley because it was all negotiated and settled before we got here. Which is why it's that much more annoying that I have to listen to you wheedle your child into handing over Generic Man action toy to the thoroughly bored teenager at the till. Oh and by the way, that teenager has probably summoned the spirits of their ancestors and all the Gods they know to lay a curse on you because at the end of their shift they will have to return Generic Man plus seven other similar toys to wherever they came from and their evil-overlord type employer probably won't pay them for it.

5.) While we're on the subject of teenagers at the till - what the hell are they giving Generation Zzzzzz? These kids don't seem capable of independent thought. Unless my little computer thingy says I can do it, it's clearly impossible. Example of actual conversation with Generation Zzzzz person in a restaurant.

Me: Can I please have the grilled chicken breast with mushroom sauce?

Z: Let me check. Errrr. No. I don't think we do that any more.

Me: Oh. Do you still do the chicken breast?

Z: Yes.

Me: Do you still do the veal with mushroom sauce?

Z: Yes.

Me: Can I get the chicken breast and a bowl of the mushroom sauce by itself?

Z: Sure!

Me: Great! Now instead of putting it in the bowl, can you just pour the mushroom sauce over the chicken?
Z: Yeah sure, no problem.

Me: Awesome. That's all, thanks.

Z: Okay so that's a grilled chicken breast with mushroom sauce! Oh.

Me: I know! And I totally thought you guys didn't do that any more!

Why is it that the customers have to think for the retail staff? This is your job and just because you don't know how to do it and it's not immediately clear from the pictorial icons on your register, doesn't mean it's impossible. Seriously.

6.) People with no concept of cash. When did people decide actual currency was a dirty thing? Why am I lining up behind people trying to buy a $3 cup of coffee or a $2.50 sushi roll with a credit card? What is the matter with you people?

7.) People with no cash or credit. None of us want to wait while you try your sixth card to see if it will finally go through. Don't you know how much money you have? While we're at it, let's change this category to "Bottleneckers". You know who you are. You've got a jillion people behind you and you're going to string it out as long as you can. I thought that was on special. Are you sure? Can you check? Oh, this one has a mark on it that I didn't see before. Can you discount it? Can I see a manager? Just a moment, my husband's got my purse and he's just gone to get our son. I think he's playing hide and seek but I'm sure it won't take him too long to find him. Do you know what? I think I might get this in blue instead. Can you wait a minute, I've just sent my little girl to get some butter. Oh I don't know what's taking her so long.

I am aware that I sound like a super-grumpy old person...which is honestly how I feel after a couple of hours of shopping. Hateful, hateful shopping.

*Are you over a size 12? You're a fatty.