Yoga for Dummies

You all might remember my attempts to complete the "New York Ballet Workout" as pre recorded on Foxtel IQ. Let me refresh for you - it all went somewhat swimmingly until we got to yoga poses when I went A over T and set my little guy off in the giggles. At that point I gave up the workout in favour of something reassuringly chocolatey. On the basis of this rather poor display of balance and willpower, I went and bought Yoga For Dummies off Ebay. Or at least I thought I did. When I finally put it on tonight (almost two months after it arrived) I discovered that what I have actually ordered is Beyond Yoga for Dummies. That's right folks. I don't have the core game but I own the expansion pack. Don't worry, says my chipper instructor, Sara, you can still do this workout. Awesome. I almost believe her.

To me yoga seems like something borne out of the disappearance of the Spanish Inquisition. Why torture a man with thumb screws when you can encourage him to torture himself in the name of living longer? Without any weights, devices or external influences yoga seems able to make me hurt a lot. I am not disappointed this time. We do some warm up exercises and before we even get to the core activities I'm wishing I could stretch myself on a rack instead. I cave on the first core activity to start writing this blog entry because people need to be warned. Okay so the first activity is;

The Chair; You get to lower your butt as though you're going to sit in a chair and then here's the surprising bit, there is no chair and you're supposed to keep your butt in the air. You can simulate this pose by pouring paint stripper across the tops of your thighs. At this point we're told that this pose is also called the lightening bolt. Oddly, it's not named after the pain you're feeling shooting through your thighs, it's a reference to the shape of your body and to remind you that this pose is energising and builds strength and stamina. Hold that for six breaths, then try a full chair pose for six breaths. Sara then reminds us that we're only getting started. Next up is;

The Warrior; For those still doing yoga, spread your legs and lean over each knee in turn, holding for six big deep breaths. For those of you simulating this - set fire to the paint stripper.

The Triangle: This is the pose that made me fall over last time. It's no different this time. I feel like I've downed half a bottle of vodka and then tried to do this. Simulators, down your bottle of vodka and try to do a cartwheel. Ta-dah!

At this point Charles comes home and finds me half upside down and alternately giggling and squeaking in pain. His eyebrows disappear into his hair and I decide to stop the DVD and wait for a more private moment to learn the last nine poses. Stay tuned blog followers!