Now a couple of years ago I probably thought people that commit suicide were cowards too. And then the young nephew of a friend killed himself. In the days immediately following on from this horrible event, people would shake their head and tell this poor man (and indeed, the parents of this young man too) that his nephew was a coward and it was a shame he couldn’t just “face up to” his life and problems. He was heartbroken and, righteously, furious. “Imagine,” he said, “what thoughts were going through this poor bastard’s mind that drove him to this. Why can’t people have sympathy for him? Why can’t they have sympathy for his family?”
Why indeed. We seem so caught up in the anger and pain of being left behind that we never stop to think what goes through the minds of people driven to kill themselves. When I nursed Charles through his suicidal bout of depression* it finally hit me – people who suicide aren’t necessarily trying to escape. They’re not running away from their problems. They genuinely think they’re doing a world the favour by removing themselves from it.
Charles was not thinking about the loss his kids would suffer and how that would shatter them for years. He wasn’t thinking about how I’d feel making my way through life without my partner, probably too damaged to ever try love again. He wasn’t thinking of the mother that carried him and gave him the life he was wiping out in the first place. He was thinking that he, and his depression, were a burden he was imposing on everyone. He was sure that without him we could all be happy again. Not to mention the huge whack of life insurance that meant we could live like kings. It was a sick way of thinking but not a cowardly one**.
Now today we have the death of Amy Winehouse. There are so many words we can use to describe Amy. To me she always seemed a bit bewildered and lost. Like she couldn’t understand that she was famous or why she should be so. I personally think the death of anyone at 27 is a tragic, tragic thing that should give us all pause for thought. It should provoke sympathy. Empathy for her family and friends.
Instead we’ve got people making jokes on Facebook and calling her a trashbag. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Where is your humanity? If you died suddenly would you want people saying this crap about you? Where is your respect for the dead?
You do not have to like Amy’s music or respect the things she did with her life. But the classy, decent, human thing to do when someone passes away is to offer your condolences and then shut your mouth. I cannot believe that I even have to write something like this because it should just be a given.
* Before anyone writes to me about the nature of putting personal things on my blog let me assure you that I have discussed this with Charles and he is absolutely, 100% behind me on sharing what happened to us – if only so people can wake up to the realities of depression and suicide. Time to stop using the word “coward” and reconnect with your humanity people.
** Anyone who knows my husband would know that cowardly is the one of the last words in the English language that describes him. Even when it comes to spiders.
